Okay- Let’s just get this over with

It’s a surprise to no one that S and I are no longer dating. I didn’t want to address it until after taking the proper amount of time to process it myself. It did take me off guard since two days earlier S offered to move with me to my next city and said that I was the greatest thing that ever happened to him. But with distance and time, I am able to see the long standing pattern. It’s a variation on a theme which is exasperated by location and age. It started becoming clearer after I stopped dating psychotics.

First they are impressed with my optimistic attitude, appearance, fitness, professional status, blah, blah, blah. But that quickly turns to resentment. I can tag the moments when things have turned. One R-town boyfriend got his first dose when he took me to fencing lessons as a date. He had taken lessons previously and wanted to show off. Most women lack the upper body strength but it was a breeze for me and fun to boot. That didn’t go over well. The next time I tried something new and he asked me about it, I told the truth and said I kicked butt. He dryly replied “of course you did”. It’s the tone that gives it away.

Same basic issue with S I think. He made the mistake of Googling me after we had been talking but before we met. I had to talk him off the ledge. He wanted to know why I would be with him after all the high profile excitement in my former profession. Most men I’ve met here ask the same thing – why aren’t I already married to a Senator or CEO? After some discussion, S thought maybe I actually am “down to earth” so I guess he risked meeting me after which we really enjoyed each other. But there was always that hesitancy. He looked at me in shock when I told him that now I had time to finally learn Italian. Looking truly appalled, he said “at our stage in life?” Looking over the downstairs bookcase, he asked if I’d read all those books. I answered truthfully that yes, probably twice and there were 3 more bookcases up stairs and boxes of books as yet unpacked in the garage. We’d go to the local ice cream store and I would place my order with a big smile and enthusiasm. The reward was an extra large portion and that bothered him. He thought I was the luckiest woman alive and never understood hard work. He wanted to settle into a slower life and my idea of slowing down is still being busy but doing things that bring me personal pleasure.

During the first week alone, and after lots of tears, I started really looking at the pattern and trying to understand. I was first blaming myself. But then again, why I should I dumb it down? How can I hide me on Google? Why should I? Men, even just friends, tell me I’m too much. After 2 weeks of this I heard another voice in my head and it stunned me. It said that I’m not too much but that they are too little. And it was Youngest’s voice (the Voice of Reason lately). I am not an appropriate partner for someone with one leg in the Nursing Home. This is where Hootersville and my age make the situation even more of an issue. Adult men have already peaked career wise. This area is not a Mecca of intelligence, where even the attorneys are small time. Getting a new client should be something I can celebrate rather than hide from my partner.

I’m not giving up but will be even more cautious. If the gentlemen’s career is a job, it might not work. Still not ready to get back out there, but soon.